Into the spiral. Your world, or my world...

alright, okay now. lets pull it together katie.
breathe. breathe. deeeeep breathe. done.

You want to know the worst part of recovery?
well its one word and its starts with an F.
FEELINGS.
they can be quite yucky. and they can be quite glorious. and often mysterious.
Its that twirly feeling in the tummy region and then the complete sinking of my heart.
exploding head.
no focus.
pain.
owch. that one hurt bad.
it is of my very unfortunate pleasure to inform you that i am in the yucky stage most often lately.

i've heard a rumor that the yucky stage can also be a sign of growth.
i cross my fingers and pray that is true.
oh, yes i do.

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
--Anais Nin

First things first- check out my photo site..by clicking on THIS.

Alright, now that is out of the way....so i have actually made this blog of mine that i have been slapping writing on for the last month now, somewhat presentable. which = SHOCKING.
i know, i know. its just a background and a font...but whatevs. i took time. and NOW....dun dun duhhhh::::
i have a somewhat finished product!! small steps. baby steps. its a work in progress. just like this life of mine. woaah, that was deep. ;)

Something i think about myself:
i am not a doer. not in a sense that is any kind of satisfying to myself. i am more of an imaginative type. one who imagines and envisions tales that are unrealistic. Even if they are not unrealistic in the broad sense, or to others in the world, they are unrealistic to me, right now, in this present moment. im moving a few hundred steps ahead of the reality in which i reside. i forget to live today. to take in what i have. and who i am and what i have learned. i think about all the shoulds. what i should know, what i should have, where i should be, what i should have done by now, where i should go and should do. Should is a terrible word. it is a paralyzing death grip.
as dorothy says: "don't should on yourself." totally true. Because, it is basically the same as shitting on myself. [excuse me] but it does make me feel like a pile of poo. i have been feeling like Poo for awhile. about half my life i'd say. But especially this past week the poo-ish feeling has been stable and overwhelming.

Today: i did this.
today: i will walk.
and that is a start.
today =

my life.

my indifference to the situation at hand is somewhat shocking. it is also alarming. it is also false.
i am scared shitless inside and i will not allow myself to feel it outloud. if i dare show emotion it will be seen as another problem. that is how it feels. that is what has been proven to be true.
writing it above, was enough.
Now i can zone. Numb. Detach and ignore any further expression.
i have not a word to explain how badly this hurts.
not a word. quietness works best. it is the truth. my insides are shut down and quieted. it is purely shown by tears that flow at the mention of the topic.
it is a pain that i feel deep within like nothing else.
stab me and tear out my heart. stomp it and  tell me im an alone piece of smelly poo.
ignore my face and tape my mouth closed. slam the door in my face and tell me how i feel since my words about how i feel are anything but worthwhile.

i cant stop these feelings, and sometimes reframing is just not good enough. i jsut want to be loved and heard. i want to feel like i matter. and i want to be special.

i like humor, so humor me here.
just let me be a part of it.
for a little while longer.... i cant handle it right now.

what is there for me to write? what can i say? i ask this of myself as if there is nothing going on inside this head, when we all know that is a lie. fo sheezy.
considering how much fluff and duff comes out of my mouth on a daily basis it should not be so difficult to post an entry here. however...taking all those thoughts, and pulling them to the front of the mind, then forming it into readable words that can be understood, and then taking those words and pulling together a reasonable sentence, to become a logical paragraph that makes sense to a human brain other than my own, is quite an ordeal.
phew.
it was an ordeal just figuring out that process right there.
its the weekend and i am feeling at ends with myself.
i had a crazy afternoon only to become crazier now that i sit down here and try to understand WHY i do the things i do.
Pepes mexian food is good. like, soooo beyond good.
too much salt is not good. but there are moments when that doesnt matter one teeny tiny bit.
do you hear what im saying? yah? yah. coolbeans dude.
thought so.
im so uptight over this ins crap.
i swear, im having a hard enough time as it is.......no excuses, but seriously, life is fragile.

and i am still hungry.
i am so ready for tomorrow morning.
i wish i didn't have to sleep.
RAWRRRRR.

i have a lot of thoughts. thoughts that get stuck. in the disastrous neuro mess of my brain.
the thoughts are stuck just as i feel stuck. stuck and then moving and then stuck and then moving backwards.
stuck in the trench, the desert or the mountaintop, it's all the same.
i love imagining my place in the world. i love imagining my place in the universe when i am standing on the beach.
 it makes me feel small. but small in a positive way.
When i use the word imagine in this sense i mean a "vivid image."
of the actual 'world' - (globe/continents/oceans) and then me being a
microscopic dot located on the shores of southern CA.
i feel small in the sense of how big my God is compared to myself.
Small in the way of how much there is in life, for
me to have yet experienced. Small in the way of how i am not alone.
Small in the way of how opportunity is around the corner because our world is
bursting, pulsing with energy and vibrant, lively color. It sparkles. and my soul feels happy.
a rare occurrence, but a pleasant surprise.
When i am looking at earth removed from my body, our earth seems teeny and
manageable in comparison to the vastness of the never ending universe beyond.
A world powerful and beautiful and so terrifying, yet small. Just like me.
SO small in comparison to the enormity of what is out there to explore.
i suppose it's a comfort, knowing that there is always something larger, and there is always something smaller than myself. Everything and everyone is small on a greater scale.
And i like to make my scale the universe. From Gods (or your higher powers) viewpoint.
because when i look out from my viewpoint all i feel is scared. and small in a negative way.
i trust a very few people close to me. trust where i will tell you what i really feel and think.

Sometimes i force myself to believe that i can be alone forever and i can be fine. i want to believe that i could be alone forever and be fine. But i dont know if that's in the cards for me. Actually i am certain that it is not. because i am certain that i will have at least one friend during every moment of my life.
hows that for positivity?

hello good friend,
im looking for you and i cannot find you anywhere. anywhere within reach at least.
today i cried many a tear for there are things in the haps, that overwhelm me with sadness. with longing and with curiosity. i hate feeling this sense of loss.

i hate missing people. and i hate admitting my faults.
my body will not stop shaking.
my head will not stop obsessing.
i hate this. if only.....if only....this didnt hurt so badly.
hurt doesnt even seem like the correct word. its a whole other universe of pain.
awful. shameful.
even journaling, writing, drawing, and now blogging is not stopping the storm within my body.
the twirling natural disaster of brain waves.
i think i need to be locked up at times.
i really do.
but then, thats not real.
i need something that is REAL. show me it, make it true. find me and help me.
i said a prayer today....it was the only thing i felt i could do.
and ya know what?.. i think it helped.
i believe. i do, i really do, believe. thankyou God.
i am undeserving of your grace and love. forgivness and new life. second chances.
it all seems to good to be true.
but Thank-you.
my soul sings.
from the trenches of life, there is joy.
i am a firm believer in joy.
happiness, take it or leave it, i cannot find it most days....but Joy. Now THAT is a gift.
and i thank-You.

tonight i created a masterpiece.
known as a frozen yogurt.
from yogurtland. with the best topping combination i have ever made.
i think, rather, i KNOW that i like yogurtland soley for its toppings selection.
and i create it myself- therefore i am in charge. i go not for yogurt, but for the toppings. for POWER. !! WEE!!
so why not just eat some fruit with sprinkles you ask? haha ...if life were so simple... well, i'd be in good shape.
banana.strawberry.sprinkles (4types) brownie pieces, cheesecake pieces. amen!

come to ME.

no more.
please, no more.
if i had a quarter for every time i said that phrase inside my head, there would be no more quarters in Fullerton.
This has been a pretty long road, that isnt so pretty at all. and the road keeps getting longer and longer. flat tires, AAA, out of gas and dead ends, u-turns, red lights and speeding tickets. damnit. i went to traffic school and cheated my way out. Got back on the road and totaled my car within 2 months.. Now im car shopping, and driving a rental at the moment...my anxiety is high, and my leg is still broken, insurance went up. They dont trust me, i dont blame them. Last week i got 3 parking tickets...maybe this week will be better. im paying for those tickets now. shoot, man...someday i'll get it right. im looking for my dream car...its in one of these lots. sometimes time just takes time, ya know?

write me a book about anything.

There is something happening. and although i am not sure what it is, i know that it is there. and it is bueno and no bueno all at one time.

it is exciting and frightening and it is invisibly brightly colored in black and white while standing on its head doing the cha cha and drinking a strawberry margarita. yes, please!!??

my head is fast and faster and faster and i think that i can feel one of my spells coming on forward and i am a thinking that i should try and stop it but i do not know what to do but keep typing really really fast with whatever pops into my mind first. yo yo yo ho a pirates life for me!

i want to be wise. Knowledgable. i want to be intimidating to people. i really truly do. that may sound wrong, but i do.
i want to be intimidating to people like myself. Like my current self. Meaning people who are lost and wandering with no confidence. people who are stuck, trapped, and scared of life. scared of goals. scared of lists, and making plans. people who struggle with life issues, shame, guilt, regret, making friends, keeping friends, answering their phone, staying motivated and upbeat, inspired by daily life. afraid of their own words and voice, scared of being alone, and scared of being left, yet only desiring themselves at the same time. and people who cant stop screwing up right and left. needy people who wish they were not so needy. babies in the grown body of a 23 yr old girl. help me. want to be the person who is the opposite of all that, who has done super amazing things, and is therefore intimidating to people who are in my current position. Intimidating without meaning or desiring to be so. it just... simply....happens?

i say this because i can think of the people in my life who fill that position, and i think about how badly i desire to one day be in their shoes. and i think about how i am ashamed of myself at this moment because they are so "awesome" and i am so not. Not yet at least..
However, in another world, i want to be the person who can help those hurting people. the person with hopeful words. i want to be the person who says "hey, ive been there, and i changed and so can you. i wont leave you. i promise. you are important to me. you matter. you are special for _____ & _______ reason. i love you because _____. I LOVE YOU period." a speck of hope in a universe of pitch black. "its okay to feel. to cry, its okay to hurt, and its okay to express, because that is how you heal."
first step: changing myself.

affirm: katie, i am special today because i am unique in all my relationships. i am special becaues i am me.
is that an affirmation? it feels like one. and right now, i sure need it to be true. and it doesnt feel that way at all..